The Fabulosity Meter finally rings true

After seven days at sea, without even a sight of land , we arrive at Ponta Delgado, in the Azores. We are still in the middle of the Atlantic, 500 miles from Portugal, but the Island of San Miguel.
is a welcome chance to be on dry land. The town of Ponta Delagado has an attractive Promenade lined with 19th century buildings, and as we walk off the ship into the town we can't help feeling that it reminds us of somewhere. The old town behind the sea front is full of narrow cobble streets with terraced stone houses adorned with wrought iron balconies. It is charming but with shades of faded glory.

Many of the houses are made of local black volcanic irregular shaped stone held together with thick white mortar, giving them a particularly striking and unusual appearance
The volcanic stone comes from the large volcanic crater at one end of the island that now is home to two lakes, and it is there we set off for in our rental car. The island is beautiful, full of rich greens, a patchwork of small green fields marked out with old stone walls, trees of every description, bamboo, and flowers. Huge banks of flowers are everywhere you look. The sides of the narrow winding roads are beautifully manicured with banks of lilies, hydrangeas, gladioli and azaleas.
It's lovely and it all look so familiar, but we can't think where it reminds us of
But there is a price to pay for all this beauty, and that is rain and damp. We have to drive through thick mist and sudden downpours of rain to climb over the ridge of the crater and down to the lakes. The lakes are stunning with the steep sides of the crater falling into the lakes, crammed with trees, their branches bending downwards under the weight of the shroud of mist, huge droplets of water constantly dripping to the ground encouraging a lovely covering of moss below. Unmade roads circle the lakes with picnic tables scattered along the waters edge. Wherever there is an acre of level land, there are manicured lawns running down to the lake, carefully planted with azaleas. There are tiny hamlets with holiday cottages all boarded up with matching green shutters. And everywhere there are small colourful birds singing their welcome. It is stunning.

But where does it remind us of? Is it the Lake District in England? We just can't pinpoint it.
Back at the town of Ponta Delgado we ask for an Internet Cafe, and when we enter it, we stop dead in our tracks. We look at each other in disbelief. We have been in this Cafe before.
And then it comes to us.
We have been on this Island before
Ten years ago we did another Trans Atlantic Cruise, and we stopped here then.
That's why it's all so familiar.
This is the sign we have been waiting for.
Alzheimer's is setting in.
But Gordon says, he doesn't mind. It feels like he wakes up with a different person in his bed every morning.

Just when you thought this was degenerating into yet another travelogue, and just when we thought fabulosity was a thing of the past, a series of events rocketed us back into Patsy's world.

The fabulosity meter first came to life when we returned to the ship and found an envelope had been pushed under our stateroom door. It was an invitation to join the captain's table the following night. Now, dear readers, you have to admit that is one giant step on the road back to fabulosity. However we had already accepted an invitation to an onboard birthday celebration for that night. We spent the next 24 hours trying to decide if we could possibly back out of the birthday celebration and accept the Captain's invitation. But even I couldn't be quite as crass as that, and it was with great regret that we turned the Captain down..

But no good deed goes unnoticed. Later that day we received word that the Entertainment Director would like to have drinks with us before dinner. Sue Denning is an English entertainer, who at a very young age used to sing with Merseyside Bands in England and Tamla Motown Groups in the USA. She is also a comedian and for the last 7 years has been working as an Entertainment Director on Cruise Ships. We had talked to her several times on board and enjoyed her company. The feeling was clearly mutual as we discovered that the the invitation was just for us. We sat with her in the Martini Bar, sipping cocktails and watching the Fabulosity meter clicking up another notch.
It was at that moment that we were joined by A Turkish Gentleman in an Officers uniform. Sue introduced us to him as Niyazi, the Hotel Director. The big boss on board!. Sue told us that she had invited Niyazi to join us because she was sure he would enjoy our company. In the background we could hear the Fabulosity Meter trying to keep up with our meteoric rise.
After an hour we had to leave for our birthday party, but not before Niyazi had told us of some wonderful clubs and restaurants that we had to visit in Istanbul (we will be there later on this trip), and promised to send a written list to our cabin. As we said our goodbyes, Sue said she had enjoyed the evening so much that she would like us to join her at the Captains table the following evening.
There was no way we were turning this invite down!
We joined the birthday dinner party in the restaurant, determined to be discreet about our newly found star status. But our plans of modesty, however false, where ruined when the head sommelier arrived at our table and presented Gordon and I with a very expensive bottle of red wine with the compliments of Niyazi. We were sure that the rest of the table could here the Fabulosity Meter clicking away.

Dinner the next evening at the Captains Table was a formal affair, although it was not a formal night for the rest of the ship. So, as we walked to the Dining Room in our Dinner Jackets, several people stopped us to tell us we had made a mistake and that tonight was not a formal night. It was with a certain amount of thinly disguised pleasure that we were able to reply that it most certainly was when you sat at the Captain's Table.

The evening was a great success, and the repartee between Sue and us kept the table laughing all evening. At one point Sue was threatening to flick spoons of sorbet across the table at me.
I happened to mention during the course of the evening that we hadn't been served Fries (chips to you English) once during the entire trip. The head waiter happened to hear this and when desert was being served presented us with a plate of fries covered in chocolate sauce. Surely a first at the Captains table, causing the fabulosity meter to explode.

You must be asking, dear readers, just as we are, why this sudden interest in yours truly has happened.
We believe it must be for one of the following reasons:
1.A few nights ago we had an unpleasant experience in the dining room, and made a complaint to the Maitre D. He subsequently went out of his way to make sure that we were beautifully looked after in the restaurant for the rest of the cruise, and we certainly have been – but would he really have been able to arrange all this for us
OR
2.The Canadian Representative for Celebrity Cruises expressed his disappointment to Canada Travels concerning my description of our State Room. Could he possibly have passed this on to the ship and asked them to make sure our onboard experience was the best it could be
OR
3.We are just fabulous and it took a few days for the crew to realise this

We rather like number 3!

While all this has been going one, we have also visited Lisbon (loved it, but has a serious homeless problem), Cadiz (REALLY loved it ) and Malaga (hated it). But it all seems to pale into insignificance compared to our fabulous life on board, so please forgive me for not mentioning it.
Tomorrow we disembark in Barcelona, spend one day in that wonderful City before boarding another Cruise Ship. This time it is the Nautica, one of the Oceania Ships, and we head off to the Eastern Mediterranean. Oceania is our favourite Cruise Line and it should be a step up from Celebrity, but the last few days are going to be hard to beat.

Bada Bling!

We were having breakfast in the Spa Cafe when suddenly my Fabulosity Meter went off. Now remember when you look at these photos it was 8.30 in the morning and we were in a health food cafe.

False Alarm.

As you can see the lady is wearing a jewel encrusted brooch which says: Jesus.
Shouldn't that be: “JESUS!”

Stick it in me one more time.

So far my Fabulosity Meter has not flickered to life once during this cruise.
Something has to be done
I wonder what Patsy would do under these circumstances. She would shop, of course, but “you can never have too many hats, bags or shoes” doesn't seem to fit the bill. She would have another “stoli-boli”, but I certainly don't need more alcohol. She would be “thin and gorgeous”, but both of those are seemingly beyond reach. But there is the spa...............!
As I enter the spa I get sidetracked by an advert for acupuncture. They are advertising a 15 minute free consultation. The offer also lists ailments that can be cured and there, at the top of the list is tennis elbow which I happen to be suffering from at the moment. I have never had acupuncture and a free consultation seems like the perfect introduction.
I am greeted by Jennifer, a beautiful young Asian woman with a wicked sense of humour and a keen appreciation of my sarcasm. By the end of the 15 minutes consultation we are firm friends, which is probably why I signed up for three sessions at a cost of $450.
She wants to know what ailments I have. I tell her about my tennis elbow and my tennis ankle. She wants to know if I am interested in weight management.
One look at me and she wants to know if I am interested in weight management!
I tell her I have no trouble managing my weight , it's losing weight that I can't manage .
“How much weight would you like to lose”, she asks
Mmmmmmm!
“30 lbs”, I reply
She asks me to stick my tongue out. She takes one look and says “Yuck”
She asks to look at it again, as though it was so unbelievable the first time she has to take another look.
“Your body is full of sludge “ she says.
Thank you!! You needed to look at my tongue to tell me that
She tells me my body is like a river, and over the years as the water flows through it, sludge begins to buildup. The sludge has REALLY built up in my river
Chinese medicine is all about digestion. Acupuncture will not only get rid of the pain in my wrist and ankle, but will also remove all the sludge, which in turn will cause me to lose weight. I am sold – I haven't had one needle stuck in me and Jennifer already ranks way higher than my Doctor who, when I tell him about my aches and pains, just gives me pain pills and tells me it is an age thing. Plus he is not beautiful, has no sense of humour and doesn't appreciate my sarcasm. Maybe I can take Jennifer home with me
The next afternoon I arrive for my first session. Jennifer has me lie down on something like a massage table. Before she can start I let her know that I am terrified of needles and I am liable to start screaming.
“I'll wear ear plugs” she says
What a girl!
She shows me that these needles are much slimmer, “fourteen times thinner than the needle your doctor uses”
Yes, but he just sticks it in once
I tell her I am a little concerned that the rolling of the boat might affect her aim with the needles.
She assures me that she doesn't throw them like darts
She really is terrific
Jennifer begins by sticking needles down my left leg.

I remind her that the pain is in my right elbow. She explains that sticking needles in my left leg will in fact cure my right elbow, and asks me to move my right elbow. “The pain should be gone” she says
It hasn't
She sticks more needles in my left arm, and then in my right leg. I feel like a pin cushion.
Finally she says she has run out of needles.
Thank God
“OK, now I am going to turn the lights out and leave you to rest” Jennifer says.
You're going to leave me to rest!! With all these needles sticking out of me!
“I will check back with you in 15 minutes” she says as she closes the door behind her.
I never knew 15 minutes could take so long. I dare not move for fear of rolling onto one of the needles. I lie there, trying to relax, eyes staring into the darkness, counting the seconds until she returns.
After a lifetime, she returns
“How are you doing” she asks
You mean other than having 30 needles stuck in me for the last 15 minutes
“OK”, I say, assuming that the torture is about to end.
“Great” she says. “I 'll come back in 30 minutes”.
I said I was doing OK, not that you could leave me
But she has already closed the door and her mind to my screams.
When she returns, she quickly removes all the needles. She explains to me that one effect of the acupuncture will be that I will not be as hungry as usual this evening.
Well what a wonderful piece of intuition that is. We are on a cruise ship. Hunger is a thing of the past!
She also explains that the sludge will start passing through my body, and in the morning, when I go to the bathroom, the results will be impressive if somewhat alarming. When I explain this to Gordon he worries that our cabin is a rather small space for such bodily functions to take place, and asks if he can leave the cabin before my morning ablutions.

The next session is the following afternoon. Jennifer still looks great and still has her sense of humour, while mine might be slipping away.
She asks how I am feeling.
I tell her
I was ravenous last night for the first time since joining the ship
I was unable to go to the bathroom this morning
My elbow still hurts
And I haven't lost 30 lbs
She is clearly puzzled and announces that she will try something else this time. She proceeds to stick about twenty needles in my elbow, despite the fact that this is one of the very few parts of my body where there is virtually no flesh for a needle to be stuck.
“OW!”, I say, trying to keep calm, “that one hurt”
“GOOD”, she says, with a maniacal laugh
I love this woman!
She leaves me for my “relaxation period” again, assuring me that now I know what to expect I will probably go to sleep.
I do
She returns after what seemed like a few moments, but was in fact 45 minutes.
“You probably feel like jello” she says.
“Why”, I reply “do I look like jello”
“That's not what I said, but now you mention it........”
Isn't she great!

The next day is the final session.
She asks me how I feel
I tell her
I have been to the bathroom
But my arm still hurts
and I haven't lost 30 lbs

Jennifer is clearly puzzled. She wonders if there is something more seriously wrong with my elbow and starts probing it with her fingers. She says she is checking the tendons that go from the elbow to my muscles.
“Can you feel my muscles”, I ask
“You're the buffest patient I have ever had”, she replies.
God, I love this woman
Then she giggles
“There is only one place left to try” she says
Foolishly I ask her where that is.
“Your ears and head” she says
Oh no!!
She proceeds to stick needles in my ear. When she is done she says it is time for my rest. I tell her I am terrified.

“What happens if I fall asleep and my head lolls to one side?” I ask
“It's better if it doesn't “ she replies. “The needles could go though your ear and into your head”
“Do you talk to all your patients like this”, I ask
“Only the crazy ones”
If only I was thirty years younger and straight

The next day I see her in the spa. She asks me how I feel.
I tell her.
My ankle is much better
My wrist is better this morning too
But I still haven't lost thirty pounds

What would Patsy say?

Colour me disappointed

We are sailing from Miami to Barcelona on Celebrity Cruises. It is 10 years since we last sailed with Celebrity and we have fond memories of a classy ship with good food. But in 10 years, I have grown a little older, gathered a few wrinkles, don't move as well as I did, and no longer have that youthful appearance. Celebrity seems to have suffered in much the same way.
The ship, The Century, carries 1800 passengers and is one of the older ships in their fleet. However it claims to have had a $30,000,000 renovation. The only change we can see to our cabin is that some of the fittings in the bathroom have been upgraded, and the washbasin has been replaced by a large pasta bowl. I know food is a big part of cruising, but the bowl would be of more use in line at the buffet than in the bathroom where it is virtually useless for anything other than brushing your teeth.

We splurged for a cabin in “Concierge Class”. But the cabin is tiny and there is hardly room for us, let alone a concierge should he ever care to visit. The cabin is so small that a regular bed is too long to fit in, so they have specially designed a bed with a rounded end which allows you to just squeeze by should you wish to travel the full length of the cabin. The main reason to want to get to the other end of the cabin is that this is where the sofa has been placed. “Sofa” is a very generous term for a very ungenerous piece of furniture. It is basically nothing more than a large chair, with no arms. Two people would not be able to sit on it were it not rammed up against the end wall so preventing anyone from falling off.
The rounded bed may allow for mobility around the cabin, but does little to encourage a good night's sleep. The most comfortable position is in the middle of the bed, where it is almost full length. But two things discourage you from sleeping in the middle. One is the fact that it is two single beds pushed together so there is an uncomfortable join in the middle. The other is your partner, who unfortunately also wants a place to sleep . So you are forced to sleep on either side of the bed, where it is considerably shorter. Either your head is rammed up against the headboard or your feet hang over the end of the bed. If you are over 5ft 10 inches tall, then you don't get to make the choice – you suffer from both.

The bed linens and pillows all appear to be new and luxurious, but for some inexplicable reason they have kept the old bedspread, which encourages a complete lack of desire to get anywhere near it, let alone lie down on it. The bedspread is maroon and fuzzy. Not a warm and cozy fuzzy, but a hair ball sort of fuzzy, caused by years of friction from the hundreds of previous occupants rubbing their body parts on it. We ask for it to be removed..
The laminated wood fixtures have scratches and dings. But most disturbing of all is the ceiling, which somehow has acquired multiple dents . We have given some considerable thought as to how those dents might have got there, but our more entertaining suggestions have been deemed unsuitable for publication.

Once outside the cabin there are occasional signs of refurbishment, most notably in the spa and gym area which looks quite luxurious, with a spa cafe, serving small portions of healthy foods, a much needed change from the laden platters of unhealthy food in the buffet.

The gym itself is well equipped with new machines, and it is here we go every morning to try and work off the excesses of the previous days. It is also here, that I have my very first sight of a Brazilian. It is at this point, dear readers, that those of you with a more sensitive disposition, might like to avert your eyes, for the Brazilian I speak of has nothing do with a samba dancer or soccer player . Indeed, I have to wonder why it is that this particular adornment, or, to be more precise, lack of adornment , has been named after the inhabitants of that country. I only ask out of a surfeit of curiosity. Those of you who have not averted their eyes at this point, (and believe me I wish I had) will no doubt be wondering how this came about. Suffice it to say that all was unwittingly revealed by a nubile young woman doing stretching exercises in a pair of short shorts that were perhaps not designed for such a purpose .
Sometime later the same young woman happened to stand beside me in line at the Spa Cafe. She smiled and said Good Afternoon. I almost replied that we had already met, but I managed to say little and moved on to enjoy the rest of my day.

3. An omen?

We join the line of fellow passengers waiting to embark our ship, and there, ahead of us in the queue is a sight that surely speaks of things to come.

Be afraid ….. be very afraid.

The flight

First of all, I do have to mention that I received many emails after my initial posting pointing out that another advantage of a black wardrobe, is that it is very slimming. Why so many of you thought I needed to know this is beyond me, but I do appreciate every one of your comments!

I am writing this as I sit on American Flight 442 to Miami, which is delayed, and has been delayed so far for 2 hours. There is no sign of us leaving San Francisco as yet. Why is it, that whenever we fly in or out of Miami, flights are delayed But a big thank you to American for phoning me this morning to advise me of the delay.

One of the most entertaining parts of any flight, is taking my seat early and watching the remaining passengers walk past . This is particularly enjoyable when I am sitting in business class and can watch all the poor people pass by, trying to look cheerful as they look for seat 44B. If you are going to be fabulous, you need to do it from a business class, or better yet first class, seat. There is no better way to achieve fabulosity, than by quietly raising a glass of champagne from your fully reclining, ultra comfortable seat, and acknowledging with a slight smile those lesser mortals struggling down the aisle, who you know will be sitting in the upright position for the next 6 hours.

However, fabulosity is not to be achieved this time round. Our upgrades did not go through and we are left sitting with the plebs for the entire journey. It is hard to be fabulous when your knees are almost touching your chest, the child behind you is kicking your seat while screaming with boredom, and the only sparkling thing to pass your lips is a soft drink.

From this unwanted and unexpected position there is a great deal of anxiety involved in watching the people passing by. One of them is going to be sitting next to me. I scan the passengers as they first turn the corner from the door into the aisle. I know that, in all likelihood, the only passenger on board who weighs over 300lbs and suffers from a bad case of body odour will be my travel companion for the entire flight. Fabulosity will not be achieved today.
And then, there she is. I know without doubt, that this will be my seat mate. Everything about her speaks of food. Her limbs are like ham hocks, her fingers like sausages that plump up as you cook them, even her hair is teased like cotton candy. She is wearing a voluminous dress, the only purpose of which is all over coverage, but it barely achieves that. Her feet are squeezed into a huge pair of blue crocks, and she is struggling with two pieces of carry on and an enormous straw hat. I try and force a pleasant smile on my face as I prepare to welcome her to the adjacent seat. But someone, somewhere, is looking after me. Maybe it’s Patsy. Maybe it’s a reward for me being such a wonderful person lately. But whatever the reason, my imagined seat mate passes on by in search of some other unfortunate person.
I refuse to watch for my chosen travel companion any longer. It’s too depressing. I need to have a little fun. So I switch to my favourite game of deciding which, if any, of the people passing by, I would be prepared to sleep with. At this point, as you gasp at my poor taste in even mentioning this, I should point out that I am extremely picky. The raison d’etre of this vacation is to celebrate 40 years of being together with Gordon. All those years ago, I promised Gordon that he would be the only one for me and that remains true. So when I say I am looking for some one to sleep with, it is simply a way of passing time (the looking at, not the sleeping with). And, as always , there is not a lot to choose from
No
No
No
ABSOLUTELY NOT!
No
No
NO WAY, NO HOW
Well………?
No
Maybe, if I was desperate.
NO
No
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
It’s way more effective than counting sheep, and in no time my eyes are closed and I drift into that delicious state of complete relaxation. But before I start dreaming of things to come, a hand is placed on my shoulder.
The flight attendant tells me there is one seat left in first class and I am next on the upgrade list. This puts me in a very difficult position – if I move, I will be leaving Gordon behind . No one is more surprised than Gordon (except perhaps, me) when I turn to him and say “ honey, you take the first class seat with the champagne and the lunch - I will be quite happy sitting back here with all the poor people.”
A discussion takes place between us, while the attendant looks on impatiently. I lose the discussion (as always), and find myself propelled to first class.
I take my seat where I belong, order a glass of champagne for now, and a steak for later, press a button that automatically turns my seat into a bed, and smile.
Fabulosity has been restored

Here we go again!

Sixty days, 16 countries, 4 cruises, 4 flights and many days driving rental cars in unfamiliar territory. No, this is not a premise for the next big reality show on TV. Instead it is the schedule for our next big trip, details of which can be found at http://andrewsfabuloustravelguide.blogspot.com/.

This time, not only has my blog been picked up by the Canadatravels website, but it also has the word “fabulous’ inserted into the title. “Fabulous” seemed like a fun idea at the time, but with the trip just two days away, it suddenly seems like a lot to live up to.

I needed help, and where better to look for advice on being fabulous than re runs of AbFab. I was sure Patsy would have some pearls of wisdom that I could adopt and adapt. But all she offered was “you can never be too rich or to thin”, and I have got a long way to go before I achieve either of those ideals.

Failing that, I thought that I could certainly try and dress fabulously for my many appearances. But whoever said “Clothes maketh the man” clearly didn’t live in the time of strict baggage allowances now imposed by all airlines. Six of the next 9 weeks are going to be spent on cruise ships. Cruise ships demand a certain dress code, and two of the ships demand formal wear on some nights, and jackets and ties on others. And the Queen Mary on which I return to the States, demands a jacket every night.

This means multiple suitcases full of different clothes for every occasion. But in between cruises I will be flying on Alitalia. Alitalia, I have discovered has one of the strictest baggage allowances of all airlines. They allow just one checked bag of 20 kilos. Every kilo in access of that is charged at 20 euros per kilo. This makes any attempt at looking fabulous in ever changing outfits an unobtainable dream, or at least a breathtakingly expensive one.

Of course, I thought, the answer lies in carry on!

I would purchase the largest carry on bag I could find, and stuff it full of fabulous outfits. But then I read Air Italia’s fine print which states that the maximum carry on they allow is 5 kgs. Everything else must be checked. Well, when you reach a certain age, 11 lbs. hardly covers two months worth of medications. How am I going to do this?.

I returned my attention to past episodes of AbFab, hoping for something - anything that would help. And there it was. The answer to my prayers. Patsy, looking incredibly chic, in a huge oversized coat with enormous cargo pockets. All I need to do, is find such a coat, with pockets large enough to carry several pairs of shoes, belts and ties, and my problem would be solved.

But this will be June and July in the Mediterranean, and anyone wearing a huge coat with pockets stuffed, is liable to attract a lot of attention from the heavily armed security personnel

So, with two days to go, and my fabulous dreams reduced to the contents of one suitcase, I have carefully selected a wardrobe of all black with some white highlights. Coco Channel was the first designer to recognize the importance of a little black dress that will go anywhere and always look fabulous. And while I readily admit to not looking good in a little dress of any color, the concept of a simple black wardrobe has won me over.

And so it is, dear reader, that I set off on my trip with one small suitcase and an even smaller carry-on, determined to be fabulous for the next two months.